A Sex toy review by a Sex Master: Independent escort Carmen.
Despite a slow start, I think we can say we’re pretty well into 2014 now. We’re forgetting about all those holiday parties, lifting ourselves out of the depression that January always brings and looking onwards and upwards, craning our heads to see what 2014 will bring. Every good whore dedicates a certain amount of time towards strategy, succession planning and career opportunities at the beginning of each year. The sex industry is just that, an industry and if you want longevity in it, you need a business plan that succeeds the lifespan of your own vagina. Although I always dreamed of being a housewife in the burbs, it occurred to me that I might need a back-up plan and have noted that the famed courtesans of yesteryear are migrating into the field of sex toy reviews. I have spent some time developing my website and who better to review toys than somebody who does indeed have unnaturally high amounts of sex with a variety of partners.
I have not masturbated alone probably in about four years, in my profession you save your fervour for when you’re being paid to perform. If you spend all of your orgasms in private, there is very little enjoyment that you can impart on your partner as your contribution is not quite as enthusiastic as it should be. In my occupation, your orgasms are an asset but your vagina is a liability. Think of it like a car….. You purchase it, there is an outright price but there are other “invisible” and unpredictable costs associated to it. The cost of actual fuel may be 15 Rand a litre but when you calculate the value of your mileage according to the Automobile Association, these numbers factor in vehicle maintenance, wear and tear on tyres, break shoes, consumables, long term devaluation of the vehicle and replacement costs. The AA valuation, taking all costs into consideration as well as the type of vehicle may be as much as double the fuel price. Masturbation in my occupation can be a very, very expensive past time and using a toy is much like taking your car to the track.
It is therefore important to spend your orgasms wisely and this is why I elect only to spend them in good company. The added benefit is that generally I am also being paid for my time and therefore also being recompensed for “wear and tear”. Wanking becomes more like skiving off at work. You are getting paid for having fun and there is a guilty pleasure associated with that which kind of ramps up the initial thrill of a stand-alone, run of the mill orgasm. Free alcohol is also an added bonus. (When you get to know me you will understand my humour. If you don’t know me and you find this offensive, I apologise. People who do know me will attest that actually I’m quite likeable in real life and a real GFE despite the snark and cynicism.)
It was in that spirit that I went searching across the web to find out if there’ll be any new toys to play with this year. The sex industry is nothing if not inventive. There are usually several tweaks and rebranding exercises of sex toys each year. There’s also often something that really breaks the mold.
Here’s a rundown of the most exciting things I found:
Kiiroo- phone sex for the internet age
Possibly the most futuristic of all the toys I came across, Kirroo is a remote controlled sex toy that works over the internet. It means your sexual partner can never be too far away. It ramps up phone sex to a whole new level, actually allowing your partner to control the sensations you feel.
In actual fact neither the idea nor the technology is entirely new. What is different is that the inventor behind Kirroo, Toon Timmermans, wants to tap into the social media market. Timmermans envisages users of platforms like Chatroulette (where you can video chat with strangers on a random spin of the wheel) enhancing their experiences with Kirroo. You could say this is the ultimate safe sex with strangers.
Limon- the perfect couples sex toy
Swedish ‘intimate lifestyle brand’ LELO report that their sales of couples sex toys are up 82%. Couples sex toys are those that can be used during foreplay or intercourse and are generally less phallic and not solely designed for the man or the woman. WeVibe developed a ‘wearable’ vibrator that can be worn inside the vagina during intercourse propelling the brand into the no.1 spot for couple’s vibrators.
The New York Times tipped new sex toy Limon as one of the best new toys to pick up in 2014. It’s shaped like a lemon and is controlled by squeezing it, a new and much more natural way to control your toy. Limon is essentially just a vibrator but it’s a smart vibrator! Limon has a memory. You can set it on record, change the vibration speeds and intensity then tell it to remember that sequence. Next time you use it you won’t have to fiddle with the settings at all.
Ora- the oral sex simulator
Sure we’ve had vibrators but you know what’s been missing? A realistic toy that feels just like oral sex that’s what. LELO, who I mentioned above, have developed just that. LELO describe ORA as the first massager to give ‘long, seductive swirls and intense pulsations on and around the clitoris’. Videos of the product show a small protrusion from a smooth silicone surface that moves around in circles simulating the movements a tongue might make. I’d recommend using tingling lubricant with this to achieve a more genuine sensation but if you have marathon sex like I do, tingling lube is a bad idea as it is also an irritant.
And here is my contribution to the world, a sample of what a toy review from me might look like if I were commissioned to write one by some large latex conglomerate. I hope you like it and if you decide to take my advice, please write back and let me know how it went.